I went to the doctor today. I have a headache that I've had now for 48 hours. I don't get headaches, so when I do it freaks me out. This one has been particularly nasty...especially since it is accompanied by a bruise and swelling on the left side of my forehead up near the hairline. It's about the size of a quarter. Yesterday, as I was sitting in my recliner moaning and gingerly touching the sore spot, I noticed that it felt squishy. "Oh no," I thought, "my brains are leaking out!" I knew they weren't really, but I sat there and immediately imagined all sorts of horrible scenarios.
That's a thing I have known about myself for a long, long time: I have the ability to dig myself into very, very, very deep holes. I usually see the glass as half empty rather than half full. Personalities are very curious things, and I spend way too much time analyzing mine. My friend, Jeannine, is definitely a half full sort of person. She and I have many times had the conversation where she tells me that she just always assumes that people like her and is puzzled when I've told her that I always assume that they don't like me. She says that if I haven't done anything to them, then why would I assume that. I don't know the answer, but I suspect it goes back to my half empty philosophy. Why some of us are born with a sunny personality and others of us are more morose is a complete mystery to me. I do remember many times as a teenager when my mother would remind me to smile more often.
I don't have a naturally bubbly personality, but it doesn't mean I'm unhappy; I'm not. But somewhere along the way I associated being bubbly with being bubble-brained. Stupid, I know, but there it is. I became determined that the world would view me as smart since it wouldn't view me as beautiful, and that has somehow worked itself out in me as being one to whom wearing a constant smile does not come naturally. There is even a local pastor whom I cannot watch on tv because his smile never leaves his face. Even when he is lecturing on the evils of sin or the depravity of man, he has a smile. That really bothers me. Those, to me, are not things to smile about.
So, I went to the doctor today. My brains are not leaking out. Guess what? That makes me smile.